What !? you must be Joking !

The wife got a terrible headache

2010-01-20T05:25:00.000-08:00

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the costume

party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was

going to take some aspirin and go to bed and

there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by her not going. So he

took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain, and

as it was still early, decided to go to the party.

As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have

some fun by watching her husband to see

how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,

cavorting around on the dance floor,

dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and

a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left

his new partner high and dry and devoted his

time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her

husband. After more drinks he finally whispered

a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of

the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put

the costume away and got into bed, wondering what

kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time

he had.

"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not

there."

Then she asked," Did you dance much?"

He replied, I'll tell you; I never even danced one dance. When I got there,

I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys,

so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all

night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your brother

and, apparently he had the time of his life"...

Thought for the day!

2006-06-07T20:26:00.000-07:00

TAZ Forum :: A Computer, Gaming, and Social Network Community of Friends :: View topic - The Official Joke Thread:

"Thought for the day!

In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, and green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Cr�me Donuts. And Satan said 'You want chocolate with that?' and Man said 'Yes!' and Woman said, 'and while you're at it add some sprinkles.'

And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said 'Try my fresh green salad.' And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said 'I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.' And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken and fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it 'Angel Cake' and said 'It is good.' Satan then created chocolate cake and named it 'Devil's Food'.

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its �1 double cheeseburger. Then said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied 'Yes!

And super size them!' And Satan said 'It is good.' And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created the National Health Service.

Thought for the day

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040 there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them....
_________________"

originally posted by Shippwreck

Top Ten Habits of Highly Effective Flamethrowers

2006-05-24T03:14:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Habits of Highly Effective Flamethrowers

Rule 10: Never forget that the person reading your mail is a person, with feelings that can be hurt. If you see the opportunity, hurt them.

Rule 9: Behave online as you do in real life. This way, you can act like a total jerk under all circumstances.

Rule 8: Lurk until you get a feel for what's acceptable in a particular forum or newsgroup. Then leap in and do the opposite.

Rule 7: Be aware of others' time and bandwidth. Never post anything shorter than seven paragraphs. Ensure your sig is at least a screen long.

Rule 6: Make yourself look good online always post your abuse in complete, grammatically correct sentences.

Rule 5: Share expert knowledge. If you know how to push someone's buttons in a forum, send private email to everyone else telling them.

Rule 4: Help keep flame wars under control: lead the charge.

Rule 3: Respect other people's privacy...if you have some dirt about a member of a newsgroup, spread it only via private email.

Rule 2: Don't abuse your power. Flame only those who disagree with you.

Rule 1: Remember: You were a network newbie once, too. You deserved all the flaming you got then. The current batch deserves no less.

TAZ Forum :: A Computer, Gaming, and Social Network Community of Friends :: View topic - The Official Joke Thread

posted by .:front2back:.

The Time..

2006-01-20T22:32:00.000-08:00

Hmm the post time is showing the 20th sad to say that has long since passed.. real time (sorry to the Kiwi's) 16:32 on the 21th of January. hmm what is the time on this blog West coast USA or Hawaii?

A Golf Joke

2006-01-20T22:31:00.000-08:00

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so,two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dose? Asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger. "Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!"

GOD LOVES BLONDES TOO

2006-01-20T17:37:00.000-08:00

GOD LOVES BLONDES TOO

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone
bust and she's in dire financial straits.
She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business
and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well.
Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost
my business, my house, and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays.
"My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business,
my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often
ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You.
PLEASE let me win the lotto just this one time so I can get my
life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself...
"Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket."

Jokes With Realistic Endings

2006-01-17T00:58:00.000-08:00

A priest, a rabbi, and a buddhist monk walk into a bar, sit at the end and start having some drinks. Two hours later, they come out with a better understanding of each other and a mutual respect, the beginnings of a friendship that last a lifetime.

-

Man 1: Knock, Knock
Man 2: Who's there?
Man 1: It's me Johnny.
Man 2: Oh, hey man! Come on in, and have a beer.

-

How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

If you call up Steven Murphy Electrical Contractors on (08) 9284 7281 they can send over a qualified electrician to screw it in for you between 9-6 on any working day, guaranteed to arrive within an hour of your call or you get 50% off!

-

A white man is driving his Cadillac on a highway in Texas. He notices a black man pushing his bicycle along the side of the road.

He pulls over to talk to the black man and offer him a ride. He says "I can't fit your bike in my car, but I can tie it to the back and let you ride behind me. If I'm going too fast, just yell."

The black man says "No thanks, that sounds pretty risky" and keeps pushing his bike down the road.

-

"A man walks into a whorehouse and pays a prostitute for sex. He contracts an STD and passes it onto his pregnant wife. Their child is born deformed and has a difficult life. When asked if he could see the humor in the situation, the child replied 'No. No I don't.'"

-

What do you get when you're gay?

Made fun of.

-

How do you drown a blonde?
Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling.

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
Repeated absences and stealing.

-

A man spends his first day in prison talking to his cell mate. His cell mate gives him a few tips on surviving maximum security in his first weeks there, and then pauses to look outside the bars of the cell.

"I got an escape plan", says the man's cell mate.

"What is it?"

"Put this blanket over your head, and I'll tell you what to do when the guard comes back."

The man puts the blanket over his head, and his cell mate begins to rape him. Savagely.

-

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies:

"I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existance and the extent to which I am now protected by law."

-

A man walks into a bar.

He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family.

-

What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust.

-

Why was six afraid of seven?

It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.

-

What's sad about 4 black people in a Cadilliac going over a cliff?

They were my friends.

-

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?

Because she was blind and deaf.

-

Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house?

No.

Well, it's really nice.

-

A kid is riding down the street when his chain pops off his bicycle. The kid yells "God damm!" as he begins to fix it. A priest walking nearby overhears the boy taking god's name in vein and says "Don't say 'God damm' say 'God help us'".

The kid says, "I am an atheist, get away from me".

-

What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?

A Jew is a person adhering to the Jewish faith and a pizza is an oven-baked, flat, usually circular bread covered with tomato sauce and cheese with optional garnishes.

-

What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
An embarrassing situation

Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
She was a schizophrenic

How do you confuse a blonde?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her

-

"Why aren't there any Mexicans on Star Trek?"

"Well, that's a highly debatable assumption. First, one only sees a small fraction of the Terran population on the show, so there is no reason to assume that any ethnic group is unrepresented in that vision of the future. Secondly, there have been several notable characters played by actors of Hispanic descent. Recently, these include Robert Beltran (Chakotay) and Roxann Dawson (B'Elanna Torres). Interestingly enough, Dawson seems to have changed her last name from Caballero, perhaps in order to reduce the risk of being typecast because of her ethnicity. Star Trek in general seems to be very progressive with respect to using diverse casts, as evidenced by the first interracial kiss on The Original Series, and the introduction of Chekov during the height of the Cold War."

-

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella around?

In case it should rain.

-

A blonde girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.

"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.

"I said 'I'LL BE BACK TOMORROW AFTERNOON TO PICK UP MY DRESS'," says the girl, this time louder.

-

A man walks past a bar and sees a sign which says "PERFORM THE THREE FEATS AND WIN A MILLION DOLLARS!" Thinking that a million dollars sounds like a great idea, he goes inside and asks the bartender what the deal is.

"First," says the bartender, "you have to chug this entire bottle of vodka. Second, there's a crocodile in the back room with a bad tooth. You have to pull it. Third, there's an eighty-five year old woman in the back who's never had sex. You have to have sex with her."

The guy think it over and says "okay, sure. You have a deal!" He grabs the bottle of vodka and, with little effort due to the fact that he's basically a professional alcoholic anyway, downs it. Then he slams the empty bottle down and goes into the back room. There's a lot of screaming, some growling, and various crashing sounds. Finally a silence falls upon the bar. Minutes pass, then an hour. Finally the bartender sends a barmaid back to see what's going on. A few minutes later, she comes back out.

"What's he doing?" asks the bartender.

"What's left of him is back there in the croc pen," she says, her horrified face pale with shock. "His clothes are tossed in the corner. I think he tried to fuck the croc. The croc...the croc ate him."

"Oh, Jesus," whispers the bartender. "Jesus."

-

What do you call 5 mexicans in quicksand?
A dangerous situation that could soon turn tragic.

-

Four blondes are driving to Disneyworld. They finally get to Florida and they see a sign that says "Disneyworld: left" so they take the left and have a wonderful time at what many people believe to be the most magical place on Earth.

-

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

Do something really nice for her, like buy her the piece of jewelry she looks at every time you go into the mall, or bake her a cake. If you have the time and effort, make her something. People appreciate thought and effort in a present more than money.

-

There once was a man from Nantucket. He owned a sailboat. I haven't seen him in years.

-

As their plane spirals towards the ground, a young man asks the pretty girl next to him if she would have sex with him, as he does not want to die a virgin. Surprised by this request, she declines, stating that in addition to the sheer inappropriateness of the idea, the mechanics of copulating in a crashing aircraft seem very difficult if not impossible. He agrees and admits that he was only trying to lighten the mood. However, she was busy putting on her oxygen mask and didn't hear this last bit. They both spend the last moments of their lives in anxious reflection.

Announcement:

2006-01-06T15:32:00.000-08:00

sorry for the interruption...

The TAZForum is now open!

Please see the link on the bottom of this page.

or...

just go here...http://tazforum.tntboards.com

The Little Paper Bag (this is so sick)

2005-12-19T04:02:00.000-08:00

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors. "Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.

"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.

"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag. "I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.

"No, I can't be I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.

"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor.

"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"

"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just little paper bag!"

"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor.
"Your mother must have been a carrier."

In keeping with the season..

2005-12-07T02:46:00.000-08:00

Name That Christmas Tune
by Unknown

The following Christmas carols were written by government officials.
Can you guess the original titles?

1. Move Hither The Entire Assembly Of Those Who Are Loyal In Their Belief
2. Embellish Interior Passageways
3. Vertically Challenged Adolescent Percussionist
4. First Person Singular Experiencing An Hallucinatory Phenomenon Of A Natal Celebration Devoid Of Color
5. Soundless Nocturnal Period
6. Majestic Triplet Referred To In The First Person Plural
7. The Yuletide Occurance Preceding All Others
8. Precious Metal Musical Devices
9. Omnipotent Supreme Being Elicit Respite To Ecstatic Distinguished Males
10. Caribou With Vermillion Olfactory Appendage
11. Allow Crystalline Formations To Descend
12. Jovial Yuletide Desired For The Second Person Singular Or Plural By The First Person Plural
13. Commence Auditory Reception The Announcing Cherubs Vocalize
14. Kris Kringle Will Be Arriving In The City In The Not Too Distant Future
15. Bipedal Traveling Through An Amazing Acreage During The Period Between December 21st And March 21st In The Northern Hemisphere
16. Its Arrival Occurred At Twelve O'Clock During A Clement Nocturnal Period
17. Exclamatory Remark Concerning A Diminutive Municipality In Judea Southwest Of Jerusalem

Answers: 1. O Come All Ye Faithful,
2. Deck The Halls,
3. The Little Drummer Boy,
4. I'm Dreaming Of A White Christmas,
5. Silent Night,
6. We Three Kings,
7. The First Noel,
8. Silver Bells,
9. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen,
10. Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer,
11. Let It Snow,
12. We Wish You A Merry Christmas,
13. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing,
14. Santa Claus Is comming To Town,
15. Walking In A Winter Wonderland,
16. It Came Upon A Midnight Clear,
17. O Little Town Of Bethlehem

Got it from Pooh

2005-12-03T22:15:00.000-08:00

http://www.kneedragger.net/lights (Video. Not exactly a joke, but VERY cool.) Enjoy. :-)

Puzzles

2005-12-03T03:51:00.000-08:00

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He held her hand softly, led her to a chair and said, "Secondly, I'd
advise you to relax.

Let's have a cup of coffee, and then.... " he
sighed, ".....

let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

unknown

What is the Definition of Recursion?

2005-11-17T14:25:00.000-08:00

re·cur·sion (rĭ-kûr'zhən)
N.
See "Recursion"

Heeheehehee :D

RaPUNzel

2005-11-04T13:49:00.000-08:00

Fair Ladies and Noble Gentlemen:

I, RaPUNzel, have a HAIR-raising tale to SHEAR with you
written by the Brothers TRIMM.

When I was a young CURL, a jealous queen LOCKed me in a
tower.

I was STRANDed and was at my SPLITS END -- truly a damsel in
THESE TRESSES!

The queen thought it was a PERMANENT SOLUTION but, day after
day, knight after knight would try to climb the tower, which
was so tall the FOLLICLE you!

They would climb my BRAID, and if they weren't so handsome,
I would give them the BRUSH off.

Gee, I wonder if that's where I got my reputation for being
such a big TEASE.

One day, a handsome knight named Prince LATHERRINSE tried to
rescue me.

He was HEAD & SHOULDERS above the rest.

I said, "COMB and SHAVE me!"

The queen found out about it and cut off my hair.

And let me tell you, Hell hath no fury as a woman SHORNED!

She'll have Hell TOUPEE because I am not someone to TANGLE
with.

Prince Latherrinse WISPed me away and we got married and had
twins.

But, we didn't live happily ever after because he placed too
many CONDITIONERS on our marriage, which were really
CRIMPING my STYLE.

So, we PARTED ways and a custody battle ensued.

It came down to SPLITTING HAIRS (heirs) so he took one twin
and I took the other.

So, now I don't date princes anymore because I don't want a
LATHER RINSE REPEAT... (read the shampoo label).

And I've gotten back to my ROOTS by changing my hair from
BLONDE to brown and this new color is to DYE for.

After all, BRUNETTES have more pun.

Well, that's the LONG AND SHORT of my HAIRY tale.

I bid you all ADO!

TGIF

2005-11-03T14:01:00.000-08:00

A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a
scapegoat.

Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get
appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman
schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel.
---Bella Abzug, US Politician

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting
in the bathroom saying to himself, "How can I tell my wife that
I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink?
I've managed to keep it from her while we dated, but she's
bound to find out sooner or later."

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself,
"How do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've
been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting,
but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to
find out."

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife
and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed,
puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to
hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."

And she says, "So have I, love."

To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."

EVER WONDER

2005-11-01T14:13:00.000-08:00

EVER WONDER where we are headed...
...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
...why doctors call what they do "practice"?
...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
...who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?
...why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

We are Doomed

2005-11-01T14:12:00.000-08:00

We are Doomed
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Myer hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Chips:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

On some frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating." (.. and you thought????...)

On packaging for a K-Mart iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Nobby's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts " (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Women Drivers

2005-11-01T13:55:00.000-08:00

Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to
my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per
hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I
looked away for a couple seconds and I looked back she was halfway over
in my lane, still working on that makeup!!!!

It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which
knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying
to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it
knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between
my legs, splashed and burned BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, ruined the damn
phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!!

Damn women drivers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Bell Test

2005-11-01T13:51:00.000-08:00

Twelve monks were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them.
Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of purity.
The model danced before the first monk candidate,with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response, until she got to the final monk.
As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and all the other bells went off.

2005-10-30T05:46:00.000-08:00

Heehee...that's great! :D

Stardate 2067

2005-10-29T15:16:00.000-07:00

What do the Starship Enterprise, and toliet paper have in common?

They both circle around Uranus looking for Kling-ons.

Risen

2005-10-23T08:36:00.000-07:00

A guy, his Wife and his Mother-in-Law go for a trip to the Holy Land. The Mother-In-Law dies over there.

The Undertaker says: You can have her shipped home for $5000 or have her buried here in the Holy Land for only $150.

The guy replies: We'll send her home.

The Undertaker then asks why.

The man replies: 2000 years ago a guy died and they buried him here, and 3 days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.

I'm a Redneck and I'm OK

2005-10-23T04:42:00.000-07:00

Which of these applied to me...
-My Garage is so full of recycled PC's and Parts that the Car regularly has to sit in the weather. -I had an Apple MAC that I refered to as Black Betty (ok but it is close to Bessy)
-I use CD Roms as drink coasters, and have rested a XXXX or 2 on a CD or 5.
-I regularly manufacture Jewellery for my self and familly from dead HDD's and FDD'd, heck I even have a dead 486 mobo hanging on the wall as a piece of art like a painting.
-Many a time my wife had to disconnect the power, just so I could hear the "Me or the Computers" comment.
-I have a Compaq work shirt, a Sharp, Panasonic, Toshiba Cap, I had a IBM, Digital and a HP cap.
-My desktop has from time to time displayed images of machinery from work sites I was active at. the images in the wallpaper folder include some of my fathers farm animals (grew up on a farm-don live there no more)
-The net value (depreciated) of the PC equipment, is just a bit more that the value (replacement) of the family car.
-I had a bumper sticker that said.."My other Car has a Pentium 3", and "32Mb of RAM Qualify's for disabled Parking"
-I had a van that when I sold it, the wrecker offered my 3 times as much if I left the Phone in the vehicle.

awe shucks, I only realy qualify on 3 counts..

See ya all nex time

R.C.M.P.

2005-10-22T16:30:00.000-07:00

Hi mg,

I'll delete and move this once you post the rest...so they stay in a group...or you can just edit that post and add them on...whichever works best for you...

You gotta be Canadian to understand this one...

A newfie calls 911. "Hello, is this the RCMP?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report about my neighbor, Mike Fitzpatrick! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the RCMP officers descended on Mike's house. They searched the shed where the firewood was kept. Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood but found no marijuana. They swore at Mike and left.

The next day the phone rang at Mike's house. "Hey, Mike! Did the RCMP come to your house?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Merry Christmas Buddy".

2005-10-22T10:34:00.000-07:00

I have more...but the blog won't take them right now...I'll try to get them up later.

What's Your Sign?

2005-10-22T10:18:00.000-07:00

My Bad...My Apologies

2005-10-19T09:49:00.000-07:00

I'll blame it on too much wine last night. :D

Ok, then...Undies...which ones apply to you?

Eek!

2005-10-19T09:24:00.000-07:00

So, you're saying you *are* a high-tech redneck, Egal?

Hmmm.... *wonders which three Egal is guilty of*

Hi mg,

Double EEK! :D Not me...well...maybe...errrrrr...not sure....but Undies was the one who posted so can I blame him?! :D

Eg ;)

Tech Redneck?

2005-10-18T15:02:00.000-07:00

hate to say it ..it seems I am ..

How To Tell If You Might Be a High Tech Redneck:

If your email address ends in ".over.yonder.com"
If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page"
If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop"
If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson"
If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular
phone
If your baseball cap reads "DEC" instead of "CAT"
If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined
If your wife said "either she or the computer had to go"...and you still
don't miss her
If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster for your beer
If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy"
If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or
farm animal
If you start all your emails with the words "Howdy y'all"
If your spell checker knows words like "Y'all", "Yonder", and "Reckon"
If your cars sit in the yard because your garage is full of dead CPU's,
Printers, Modems, and Monitors
If your belt buckle is made from a dead 3.5" Hard drive
IF THREE OR MORE APPLY then you are DEFINITELY a Hi-Tech Redneck!

And...

2005-10-14T14:14:00.000-07:00

Man's best friend is...blog?

Bloggy-do (don't step in it)

Oh! Oh! What About This One...

2005-10-14T14:12:00.000-07:00

Who let the blogs out...

And don't forget...

2005-10-14T06:31:00.000-07:00

The blog days of summer. :)

Only on a Blog:

2005-10-14T02:25:00.000-07:00

Found this on a Blog:

Blog eat Blog
Let Sleeping Blogs Lie
Blog Tired
A Blog’s Dinner
Raining Cats & Blogs
You Can’t Teach an Old Blog New Tricks
Work Like a Blog
Sick as a Blog
In the Blog House
Love Me, Love My Blog
The Blog’s Bark is Worse Than its Bite
The Blog’s Life
Man bites blog
Every blog will have its day, indeed

Dear Diary

2005-10-10T00:57:00.000-07:00

  Dear Diary,
           Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double pane, energy efficient kind, but this week I got a call from the contractor, complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I had yet to pay for them.
           Boy oh boy, did we go around and around! Just because I'm a blonde does not mean I'm automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year, namely, that in one year, the windows would pay for themselves.
           There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up. I have not heard anything back.
           Guess I won that stupid argument!

A Couple more: Alt Meanings, & Why Women are Mad at Men

2005-10-09T05:22:00.000-07:00

The Washington Post's yearly contest where readers are asked
to supply alternate meanings for various words -- and the
winners are...

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Why are women always upset with Men?
Men are one of the few things that can gain 8 inches in 5 minutes and lose it all 3 minutes later.

Holiday Illness

2005-10-09T05:19:00.000-07:00

A woman goes to see her Podiatrist. She says, "Doc, I just
got back from a few weeks in the Bahamas. The weather was
so great I spent most of the days just lying on the sand.
But the strangest thing happened. Whenever a good looking
guy came by, I would get this strange tingling sensation
between my toes."

The podiatrist thought this was kind of unusual and
examined her. He asked her if she had this sensation
between all of her toes.

She replied, "Actually no, just between my 2 big toes."

Tech Support

2005-10-04T23:19:00.000-07:00

Here are some conversations that actually happened between help desk people and their customers.

Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."

Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."

Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it.

Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

Your selected Joke by The-Jokes.com

A POEM FOR COMPUTER

2005-09-26T14:52:00.000-07:00

A POEM FOR COMPUTER USERS OVER THIRTY

A Computer was something on TV,
From a science fiction show of note.
A Window was something you hated to clean,
And a Ram was the father of a Sheep.

Meg was the name of a girlfriend,
And Gig was a job for the nights.
Now they all mean different things,
And that really Mega Bytes.

An Application was for employment,
A Program was a TV show.
A Cursor used profanity,
A Keyboard was a piano.

A memory was something you lost with age,
A CD was a bank account;
And if you had a 3-inch floppy,
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage,
Not something you did to a file,
And if you Unzipped anything in public,
You’d be in jail for a while.

Log On was adding wood to the fire,
Hard Drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived,
And Backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife,
Paste you did with glue;
A Web was a spider’s home,
And a Virus was the flu.

I guess I’ll stick to my pad and paper,
And the memory in my head.
I hear nobody’s been killed in a Computer crash,
But when it happens they wish they were dead.

Author Unknown.

Mini Skirt problems

2005-09-26T14:41:00.000-07:00

Mini Skirt problems

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

Blonde Jokes

2005-09-25T22:54:00.000-07:00

A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"

______________________________________________________

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

______________________________________________________

A blonde, brunette and redhead woman decided to compete in the Breast Stroke division of the English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde finally reached the shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and a drink she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I'm pretty sure those other two girls used their arms.

______________________________________________________

WWW.lotsofjokes.com

Professor and a Student

2005-09-18T21:13:00.000-07:00

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for
his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom,
he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over
each bird and only the legs showing. He sat on the front row
because he wanted to do the best job possible.The professor
announced that the test would be to look at each of the
bird's legs and give the common name, habitat, genus,
species, etc.

The student looked at each of the birds legs. They all
looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed
up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their
legs. The more he thought about it, the madder he got.
Finally, he could stand it no longer. He went up to the
professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could
anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their
legs?"

With that he threw his test down on the professor's desk and
walked to the door. The professor was surprised. The class
was so big that he didn't know every student's name; as the
student reached the door, the professor called out, "Mister,
what's your name?"

The enraged student pulled up his pants legs and said, "You
guess, buddy! You guess!"

A Pun

2005-09-18T21:12:00.000-07:00

I don't think my sister's marriage will last. Her new
husband has a foot fetish, and on their honeymoon, he got
off on the wrong foot.

Some of Bob Hope's Famous Quips

2005-09-18T21:11:00.000-07:00

Bob Hope
May 29, 1903 - July 27, 2003

ON TURNING 70: "You still chase women, but only downhill."

ON TURNING 80: "That's the time of your life when even your
birthday suit needs pressing."

ON TURNING 90: "You know you're getting old when the candles
cost more than the cake."

ON TURNING 100: " I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel
anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING: "I ruined my hands in
the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them."

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR: "Welcome to the Academy Awards
or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover.'"

ON GOLF: "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to
pay the green fees."

ON PRESIDENTS: "I have performed for 12 presidents and
entertained only six."

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER: "When I was born,
the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an
eight-pound ham.'"

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL: "I feel very
humble, but I think I have the strength of character to
fight it."

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY: "Four of us slept in the one
bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS: "That's how I learned to dance --
waiting for the bathroom."

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES: "I would not have had anything to eat
if it weren't for the stuff the audience threw at me."

ON GOING TO HEAVEN: "I've done benefits for ALL religions.
I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."

The Blonde and the Cereal Box

2005-09-17T08:41:00.000-07:00

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He held her hand softly, led her to a chair and said, "Secondly, I'd
advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, and then.... " he
sighed, ".....let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

Unknown Author

The Push

2005-09-15T15:06:00.000-07:00

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No. I did not! It is three in the morning and it is pouring out!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?" "I think you should help him, and should be ashamed of your self!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

nature?

2005-09-15T13:54:00.000-07:00

The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural history lesson.

"Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?"

One child was ready with an answer: "They don't have a union."

"You could use your old computer to shop for a new computer online.
But that seems kind of cruel, doesn't it?
Like asking your dying spouse if he or she has any cute friends."
---Scott Ostler

REASONS FOR DIVORCE

A man in Hazard, Kentucky, divorced his wife because she "beat him whenever he removed onions from his hamburger without asking for permission."

A man in Tarritville, Connecticut, filed for divorce because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator that read: "I have gone to the bridge club. There'll be a recipe for your dinner at 7 o'clock on Channel 2."

A deaf man in Bennettsville, South Carolina, filed for divorce because his wife "was always nagging him in sign language."

A woman in Canon City, Colorado, divorced her husband because he forced her to "duck under the dashboard whenever they drove past his girlfriend's house."

A woman in Hardwick, Georgia, divorced her husband on the grounds that he "stayed home too much and was much too affectionate."

Short joke

2005-09-09T12:46:00.000-07:00

I was asked to run a marathon.
I said, "Pee off".
They said "come on, it's for spastics and blind kids."

Then I thought........damn, I could win this......

Alzheimer's Test

2005-09-08T01:37:00.000-07:00

Alzheimer's Test-

Count the "F's" in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...

Scroll down only after you have counted them.

How many did you count? 3 ?

Wrong, there are 6!

Read it again.

The brain cannot process "OF". Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius. Three is normal, four is quite rare.

The bartender and the drunk

2005-09-04T17:48:00.000-07:00

There was once a man who was in a bar, terribly drunk. The bartender noticed this, and when he asked for another beer, the bartender politely told him that he was too drunk to be served another drink. The man leaves. He walks in the side door and asks the bartender for a beer. A little frustrated, the bartender repeats the answer he said before. The man leaves. He then comes in the other side door, walks to the bartender and asks for a beer. The bartender is annoyed, and tells the man he is too drunk and to get a ride home and leave his bar. He leaves. He then comes in the BACK door, comes the the bartender, and before he can say a word, the bartender explodes at him. "I told you already, you are way to drunk, you can not have another beer! Get out of my bar!" Disgruntled, the man looks at the bartender and asks, "Man, how many bars do you work at?

Lots of Jokes - Bar Jokes II

The drunk and the giraffe

2005-09-04T17:43:00.000-07:00

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The drunk replies, "That's not a lion! It's a giraffe."

Lots of Jokes - Bar Jokes II

Another beer, please!

2005-08-30T08:39:00.000-07:00

Murphy walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he
looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.

After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks
for another beer.

this happens about another seven times before the bartender asks
him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"

"I have a picture of my wife in there," the man replies. "And when
she looks good enough, I'll go home."

Unknown Author

A Lazy Fishing Trip

2005-08-22T02:48:00.000-07:00

A couple go on holiday to a fishing resort.

The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning, the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lakes area, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a fishing inspector in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies (thinking "isn't that obvious!").

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and make a report."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the man.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

Unknown Author

If you don't see a Blog of interest...

2005-08-21T18:18:00.000-07:00

then you must be joking :D