What !? you must be Joking !

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the costume

party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was

going to take some aspirin and go to bed and

there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by her not going. So he

took his costume and away he went.



The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain, and

as it was still early, decided to go to the party.

As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have

some fun by watching her husband to see

how he acted when she was not with him.



So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,

cavorting around on the dance floor,

dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and

a little kiss there.



His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left

his new partner high and dry and devoted his

time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her

husband. After more drinks he finally whispered

a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of

the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put

the costume away and got into bed, wondering what

kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.



She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time

he had.

"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not

there."



Then she asked," Did you dance much?"



He replied, I'll tell you; I never even danced one dance. When I got there,

I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys,

so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.



"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all

night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.



To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your brother

and, apparently he had the time of his life"...

TAZ Forum :: A Computer, Gaming, and Social Network Community of Friends :: View topic - The Official Joke Thread:

"Thought for the day!

In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, and green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Cr�me Donuts. And Satan said 'You want chocolate with that?' and Man said 'Yes!' and Woman said, 'and while you're at it add some sprinkles.'

And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said 'Try my fresh green salad.' And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said 'I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.' And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken and fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it 'Angel Cake' and said 'It is good.' Satan then created chocolate cake and named it 'Devil's Food'.

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its �1 double cheeseburger. Then said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied 'Yes!

And super size them!' And Satan said 'It is good.' And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created the National Health Service.

Thought for the day

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040 there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them....
_________________"

originally posted by Shippwreck

Top Ten Habits of Highly Effective Flamethrowers

Rule 10: Never forget that the person reading your mail is a person, with feelings that can be hurt. If you see the opportunity, hurt them.

Rule 9: Behave online as you do in real life. This way, you can act like a total jerk under all circumstances.

Rule 8: Lurk until you get a feel for what's acceptable in a particular forum or newsgroup. Then leap in and do the opposite.

Rule 7: Be aware of others' time and bandwidth. Never post anything shorter than seven paragraphs. Ensure your sig is at least a screen long.

Rule 6: Make yourself look good online always post your abuse in complete, grammatically correct sentences.

Rule 5: Share expert knowledge. If you know how to push someone's buttons in a forum, send private email to everyone else telling them.

Rule 4: Help keep flame wars under control: lead the charge.

Rule 3: Respect other people's privacy...if you have some dirt about a member of a newsgroup, spread it only via private email.

Rule 2: Don't abuse your power. Flame only those who disagree with you.

Rule 1: Remember: You were a network newbie once, too. You deserved all the flaming you got then. The current batch deserves no less.

TAZ Forum :: A Computer, Gaming, and Social Network Community of Friends :: View topic - The Official Joke Thread

posted by .:front2back:.

A priest, a rabbi, and a buddhist monk walk into a bar, sit at the end and start having some drinks. Two hours later, they come out with a better understanding of each other and a mutual respect, the beginnings of a friendship that last a lifetime.

-

Man 1: Knock, Knock
Man 2: Who's there?
Man 1: It's me Johnny.
Man 2: Oh, hey man! Come on in, and have a beer.

-

How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

If you call up Steven Murphy Electrical Contractors on (08) 9284 7281 they can send over a qualified electrician to screw it in for you between 9-6 on any working day, guaranteed to arrive within an hour of your call or you get 50% off!

-

A white man is driving his Cadillac on a highway in Texas. He notices a black man pushing his bicycle along the side of the road.

He pulls over to talk to the black man and offer him a ride. He says "I can't fit your bike in my car, but I can tie it to the back and let you ride behind me. If I'm going too fast, just yell."

The black man says "No thanks, that sounds pretty risky" and keeps pushing his bike down the road.

-

"A man walks into a whorehouse and pays a prostitute for sex. He contracts an STD and passes it onto his pregnant wife. Their child is born deformed and has a difficult life. When asked if he could see the humor in the situation, the child replied 'No. No I don't.'"

-

What do you get when you're gay?

Made fun of.

-

How do you drown a blonde?
Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling.

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
Repeated absences and stealing.

-

A man spends his first day in prison talking to his cell mate. His cell mate gives him a few tips on surviving maximum security in his first weeks there, and then pauses to look outside the bars of the cell.

"I got an escape plan", says the man's cell mate.

"What is it?"

"Put this blanket over your head, and I'll tell you what to do when the guard comes back."

The man puts the blanket over his head, and his cell mate begins to rape him. Savagely.

-

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies:

"I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existance and the extent to which I am now protected by law."

-

A man walks into a bar.

He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family.

-

What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust.

-

Why was six afraid of seven?

It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.

-

What's sad about 4 black people in a Cadilliac going over a cliff?

They were my friends.

-

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?

Because she was blind and deaf.

-

Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house?

No.

Well, it's really nice.

-

A kid is riding down the street when his chain pops off his bicycle. The kid yells "God damm!" as he begins to fix it. A priest walking nearby overhears the boy taking god's name in vein and says "Don't say 'God damm' say 'God help us'".

The kid says, "I am an atheist, get away from me".

-

What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?

A Jew is a person adhering to the Jewish faith and a pizza is an oven-baked, flat, usually circular bread covered with tomato sauce and cheese with optional garnishes.

-

What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
An embarrassing situation

Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
She was a schizophrenic

How do you confuse a blonde?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her

-

"Why aren't there any Mexicans on Star Trek?"

"Well, that's a highly debatable assumption. First, one only sees a small fraction of the Terran population on the show, so there is no reason to assume that any ethnic group is unrepresented in that vision of the future. Secondly, there have been several notable characters played by actors of Hispanic descent. Recently, these include Robert Beltran (Chakotay) and Roxann Dawson (B'Elanna Torres). Interestingly enough, Dawson seems to have changed her last name from Caballero, perhaps in order to reduce the risk of being typecast because of her ethnicity. Star Trek in general seems to be very progressive with respect to using diverse casts, as evidenced by the first interracial kiss on The Original Series, and the introduction of Chekov during the height of the Cold War."

-

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella around?

In case it should rain.

-

A blonde girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.

"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.

"I said 'I'LL BE BACK TOMORROW AFTERNOON TO PICK UP MY DRESS'," says the girl, this time louder.

-

A man walks past a bar and sees a sign which says "PERFORM THE THREE FEATS AND WIN A MILLION DOLLARS!" Thinking that a million dollars sounds like a great idea, he goes inside and asks the bartender what the deal is.

"First," says the bartender, "you have to chug this entire bottle of vodka. Second, there's a crocodile in the back room with a bad tooth. You have to pull it. Third, there's an eighty-five year old woman in the back who's never had sex. You have to have sex with her."

The guy think it over and says "okay, sure. You have a deal!" He grabs the bottle of vodka and, with little effort due to the fact that he's basically a professional alcoholic anyway, downs it. Then he slams the empty bottle down and goes into the back room. There's a lot of screaming, some growling, and various crashing sounds. Finally a silence falls upon the bar. Minutes pass, then an hour. Finally the bartender sends a barmaid back to see what's going on. A few minutes later, she comes back out.

"What's he doing?" asks the bartender.

"What's left of him is back there in the croc pen," she says, her horrified face pale with shock. "His clothes are tossed in the corner. I think he tried to fuck the croc. The croc...the croc ate him."

"Oh, Jesus," whispers the bartender. "Jesus."

-

What do you call 5 mexicans in quicksand?
A dangerous situation that could soon turn tragic.

-

Four blondes are driving to Disneyworld. They finally get to Florida and they see a sign that says "Disneyworld: left" so they take the left and have a wonderful time at what many people believe to be the most magical place on Earth.

-

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

Do something really nice for her, like buy her the piece of jewelry she looks at every time you go into the mall, or bake her a cake. If you have the time and effort, make her something. People appreciate thought and effort in a present more than money.

-

There once was a man from Nantucket. He owned a sailboat. I haven't seen him in years.

-

As their plane spirals towards the ground, a young man asks the pretty girl next to him if she would have sex with him, as he does not want to die a virgin. Surprised by this request, she declines, stating that in addition to the sheer inappropriateness of the idea, the mechanics of copulating in a crashing aircraft seem very difficult if not impossible. He agrees and admits that he was only trying to lighten the mood. However, she was busy putting on her oxygen mask and didn't hear this last bit. They both spend the last moments of their lives in anxious reflection.

sorry for the interruption...

The TAZForum is now open!

Please see the link on the bottom of this page.

or...

just go here...http://tazforum.tntboards.com

http://www.kneedragger.net/lights (Video. Not exactly a joke, but VERY cool.) Enjoy. :-)

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He held her hand softly, led her to a chair and said, "Secondly, I'd
advise you to relax.

Let's have a cup of coffee, and then.... " he
sighed, ".....

let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."



unknown