What !? you must be Joking !

A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"

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Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

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A blonde, brunette and redhead woman decided to compete in the Breast Stroke division of the English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde finally reached the shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and a drink she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I'm pretty sure those other two girls used their arms.

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WWW.lotsofjokes.com

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for
his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom,
he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over
each bird and only the legs showing. He sat on the front row
because he wanted to do the best job possible.The professor
announced that the test would be to look at each of the
bird's legs and give the common name, habitat, genus,
species, etc.

The student looked at each of the birds legs. They all
looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed
up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their
legs. The more he thought about it, the madder he got.
Finally, he could stand it no longer. He went up to the
professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could
anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their
legs?"

With that he threw his test down on the professor's desk and
walked to the door. The professor was surprised. The class
was so big that he didn't know every student's name; as the
student reached the door, the professor called out, "Mister,
what's your name?"

The enraged student pulled up his pants legs and said, "You
guess, buddy! You guess!"

I don't think my sister's marriage will last. Her new
husband has a foot fetish, and on their honeymoon, he got
off on the wrong foot.

Bob Hope
May 29, 1903 - July 27, 2003

ON TURNING 70: "You still chase women, but only downhill."

ON TURNING 80: "That's the time of your life when even your
birthday suit needs pressing."

ON TURNING 90: "You know you're getting old when the candles
cost more than the cake."

ON TURNING 100: " I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel
anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING: "I ruined my hands in
the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them."

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR: "Welcome to the Academy Awards
or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover.'"

ON GOLF: "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to
pay the green fees."

ON PRESIDENTS: "I have performed for 12 presidents and
entertained only six."

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER: "When I was born,
the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an
eight-pound ham.'"

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL: "I feel very
humble, but I think I have the strength of character to
fight it."

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY: "Four of us slept in the one
bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS: "That's how I learned to dance --
waiting for the bathroom."

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES: "I would not have had anything to eat
if it weren't for the stuff the audience threw at me."

ON GOING TO HEAVEN: "I've done benefits for ALL religions.
I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He held her hand softly, led her to a chair and said, "Secondly, I'd
advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, and then.... " he
sighed, ".....let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

Unknown Author

There was once a man who was in a bar, terribly drunk. The bartender noticed this, and when he asked for another beer, the bartender politely told him that he was too drunk to be served another drink. The man leaves. He walks in the side door and asks the bartender for a beer. A little frustrated, the bartender repeats the answer he said before. The man leaves. He then comes in the other side door, walks to the bartender and asks for a beer. The bartender is annoyed, and tells the man he is too drunk and to get a ride home and leave his bar. He leaves. He then comes in the BACK door, comes the the bartender, and before he can say a word, the bartender explodes at him. "I told you already, you are way to drunk, you can not have another beer! Get out of my bar!" Disgruntled, the man looks at the bartender and asks, "Man, how many bars do you work at?

Lots of Jokes - Bar Jokes II

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The drunk replies, "That's not a lion! It's a giraffe."

Lots of Jokes - Bar Jokes II