What !? you must be Joking !

Bob Hope
May 29, 1903 - July 27, 2003

ON TURNING 70: "You still chase women, but only downhill."

ON TURNING 80: "That's the time of your life when even your
birthday suit needs pressing."

ON TURNING 90: "You know you're getting old when the candles
cost more than the cake."

ON TURNING 100: " I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel
anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING: "I ruined my hands in
the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them."

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR: "Welcome to the Academy Awards
or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover.'"

ON GOLF: "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to
pay the green fees."

ON PRESIDENTS: "I have performed for 12 presidents and
entertained only six."

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER: "When I was born,
the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an
eight-pound ham.'"

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL: "I feel very
humble, but I think I have the strength of character to
fight it."

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY: "Four of us slept in the one
bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS: "That's how I learned to dance --
waiting for the bathroom."

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES: "I would not have had anything to eat
if it weren't for the stuff the audience threw at me."

ON GOING TO HEAVEN: "I've done benefits for ALL religions.
I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."